What’s your favorite movie scene of all time? Mine is one that doesn’t conjure up warm and fuzzy feelings, but rather is one that has continued to smack me in the face with the truths it tells about the power of a parent’s words. It’s that scene in the 1985 film, The Breakfast Club, that pulls back the curtain on the horrifying home life of John Bender, aka “the criminal” protagonist. Locked into a Saturday detention room with four other students, the angry Bender enviously mocks Brian, aka “the brain”, for what Bender imaginatively stereotypes as Brian’s idyllic homelife. All this is prelude to the climax of the scene, where Andrew “the Jock” asks Bender, “Alright, what about your family?”

John Bender’s explosive response is heartbreaking. He yells off a list of hateful adjectives no son should ever hear from his father, but which he has endured. . . multiple times: “Stupid! Worthless! No Good! Retard! Big-mouth! Jerk! Ugly! Lazy! Disrespectful!” and more. When asked by Brian if that’s all real, Bender pulls up his sleeve to reveal the cigar burn he received for spilling paint on the garage floor. It’s a heart-breaking scene of movie fiction that’s the reality for too many kids, both then and now.

Perhaps you’ve heard it said that “words can either build up, or they can tear down.” If you haven’t, you still know the reality that phrase captures. Each and every one of us grew up in a home where our parents’ words were heard, taken to heart, and ultimately shaped who we are today. For those of us who were built up, we have fond memories. For those who were torn down, navigating our memories has required lots of prayer and perhaps a healthy dose of counseling. Each of us knows that the words we heard and the words that we say to our own kids matter.

The Swiss medical doctor and pastoral counselor, Dr. Paul Tournier, has said, “If one thoughtlessly calls a child a liar, one makes him a liar, in spite of all his aspirations towards honesty. He is still at the age when the frontier between myth and reality is imprecise. Call a child stupid, and you make him stupid, incapable of showing what he has it in him to do. The power of suggestion exercised by the labels we are given is considerable. This is particularly the case in childhood, but the same is true throughout our lives.” Just like us, our kids believe about themselves what they hear about themselves.

My own words spoken quickly in the heat of an angry moment and without forethought are enough to remind me that I need to exercise Godly self-restraint. Proverbs 29:20 asks the question,“Do you see a man who is hasty in his words?” Yes, in my mirror. “There is more hope for a fool than for him.” What can we do to develop the habit of speaking words that build up our kids, rather than words that tear them down now, and echoes of which will tear them down for life?

First, understand that while words that hurt come out of our mouth, they are bubbling over from our heart. Jesus said that “what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart” (Matthew 15:18). Paul Tripp reminds parents that “your words and actions are always an accurate reflection of the true condition of your heart. The things you do and say always tell you more about yourself than whoever you’re speaking or responding to.” Prayerfully ask God to expose and change your heart, and pray for God’s grace to liberate you from verbal habits that hurt rather than heal your kids.

Second, take a moment to pause, to breathe, and to ask the Lord to help you see which words are needed and how they are to be spoken. Once your words exit your mouth, they are not only out there and unable to be pulled back in, but they will echo forever in the ears, minds, hearts, and very lives of your kids.

Finally, never stop listening to yourself. Old habits die hard. Most of us have developed patterns of communication to which we might be totally oblivious regarding the impact of what we say and how we say it. The Apostle Paul reminded the Ephesians that they were to “let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, that it may give grace to those who hear” (Ephesians 4:29). Ask the Holy Spirit to help you hear yourself, and to change those unhealthy communication patterns which are sure to undermine the health and flourishing of your kids. Of course, don’t forsake your need to teach your kids the truths of God’s Word, including those hard truths which need to be communicated in the midst of difficult times. Remember, Paul also reminds us to “bring your children up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (6:4).

Parents, develop the habit of glorifying God and building your kids up by choosing words that are gracious and seasoned with salt (Colossians 4:5-6). Words like these will echo through their lives, bearing fruit for generations to come.