I wonder what Jamie Miller’s life would have been like if he had been born 20 years sooner into a smartphone-free world? You might be wondering the same thing if you’ve watched the recently released Netflix mini-series, Adolescence. The four-part drama centers on the 13-year-old seemingly average British schoolboy who is accused of and arrested for the murder of his female classmate, Katie Leonard.

Gut-wrenching from start to finish, Adolescence forces us to consider the role that smartphones play in developing our current world where kids mix, mingle, and are formed (or de-formed) right under the unknowing noses of parents who are ignorant to its existence, rules, and effect on their very own kids. Jamie Miller’s story and decisions unfold as a result of a perfect storm of influences, including online bullying. . . which all of our kids are susceptible to, both as perpetrators and/or victims. The show could serve as Exhibit A for proof of media critic Marshall McLuhan’s decades-old assertion: “We become what we behold. We shape our tools and then our tools shape us.” Parents, if you’ve never heeded McLuhan’s extremely wise words of warning before, it’s time to sit up and listen. Watching Jamie Miller’s panicked parents Eddie and Manda rethink how they’ve parented their son while ignorant to social media’s dark underbelly is a painful exercise, but also a wake-up call to all of us raising kids in today’s world. Parenting in today’s world requires the attention of an air traffic controller: constantly aware and on high-alert!

Watching Adolescence took me back almost 20 years to the time when I began fielding the same question over-and-over again from parents wondering how to best navigate the emerging world of smartphones with their kids. “When should I allow my son/daughter to get a smartphone?” was a question few if any knew how to best answer. The devices were new at the time, so my answer was always a combination of “I don’t know” and “It’s best to exercise caution.” At the time, we were all fascinated by the potential for good of these new devices. But as the years have passed, we’ve all become aware of how the 24/7 presence of smartphones are stealing childhood in ways that have fostered mental health issues, anger, loneliness, sextortion, social contagions, gender/sexuality confusion, isolation, cognitive decline, and broken relationships… among a host of other concerns. As social psychologist Jonathan Haidt has noted, these are consequences of the shift from a world marked by a play-based childhood to a phone-based childhood.

When speaking to parents about smartphones and social media these days, I don’t wait for that “when should I” question to be asked. I tell them. My answer has been ascending over the last few years, as knowledge of how smartphones and social media influence undermine the well-being of our kids during the vulnerable developmental years of childhood and adolescence. Who among us isn’t aware that even as adults, it takes great awareness and discipline to manage these devices ourselves!

So, what’s the answer? The reality is that each of our children is different, meaning there’s no one answer. For those kids who exercise a maturity marked by a willingness to lean into Godly wisdom and discernment, we might ease them over time into having and managing a smartphone under strict supervision marked by clear borders and boundaries. These would include where they may use their phones, when they may use their phones, what they may access on their phones, and for how long. Others, who don’t show evidence of a heart bent on honoring and worshipping God through willing conformity to parental guidelines, should wait until a later time when they are more mature and willing to live according to the borders and boundaries we establish in order to protect them from harm and to provide for their well-being.

At the very least, I like the guidelines suggested by Jonathan Haidt in his book, The Anxious Generation. First, no smartphones before high school. Second, no social media for kids before the age of 16. And finally, all of our schools should be phone-free. If you’re wondering whether Haidt’s recommendations are too strict, go ahead and watch Adolescence, and then think again.

I urge you – strongly – to take seriously your parental responsibility to nurture your children in the faith and what that means in our current smartphone age. Take some time to read and consider Deuteronomy 6:1-9 and the responsibility to make teaching the Word of the Lord to your kids a top priority. Recognize that this requires you to not only tell, re-tell, and keep on telling them the Truth, but to also keep them from the lies told and dispensed through those little devices that have such a huge influence. One clear way to do this is to move slowly and deliberately when it comes to putting a phone in the hands of your child. Proverbs tells us that “folly is bound up in the heart of a child” and that discipline is what drives that folly away (Proverbs 22:15). Earlier in that same chapter, we are given this nugget of wisdom: “The prudent sees danger and hides himself, but the simple go on and suffer for it” (Proverbs 22:3).

During a recent seminar on teaching our kids to wisely follow Jesus on the digital frontier, a man raised his hand during the question and answer time. Instead of asking a question, he made this comment: “Last year we put a smartphone in the hands of our 10-year-old daughter. We did this to help keep her safe. We realize now that we put an even greater danger in her hands.” Eddie and Manda Miller would agree.